Nothing lasts foreverย 

You ever just get that urge to write? I do. I want to write but I don’t know how much to say, how deep to get on such a public platform – although lets be honest I doubt there’s many of you out there reading this.

I think what still takes me by surprise is the unpredictability of life. If we ignore my last post on Sabr & Shukr and look back at the 4/5 month gap between that and the post before it – my gosh have things changed. For good and bad. And I have found myself in situations which I would never have imagined I would end up in. But I guess everything happens for a reason right?

I always knew things in life are not meant to be permanent. After all, this life is temporary. But even still, when things like friendships end – something you expect to last a lifetime – it can still take you by surprise.

My initial reaction? – Hurt, upset, anger, resentment. All the emotions basically. But as with everything, time is the best healer. And after a while you stop feeling emotion towards the memories you once shared with people you thought would be in your life forever. Instead you just feel indifferent to it. Well at least that is what I’ve found so far.

It’s a shame really, but I’ve come to understand that nothing in life lasts forever, not really. Esp with relationships, because at the end of the day, people change.

However I will say as with every aspect of life that which I’ve found so far – when one door closes, another – more often better and brighter one opens. Which is what I have found in this instance. Alhamdulillah.

I won’t get all too deep here but what I will say is – life has a funny way of throwing people together. 2 individuals lives’ could have crossed at several different points in time, but they keep missing each other until the time is just right. And only after, through conversations do you realise how many years earlier your paths could have crossed, had it not been for something as simple starting a new job mere weeks after the other left.

Whether a relationship (friendship/romantic or otherwise) with someone lasts forever or not, there is still a lot of growth and personal development to take from it. After all, it is from our interactions with others that we learn and make mistakes and correct them right? Such is life.

Sometimes I wonder whether I give too much of myself out to people too quickly that puts me in a vulnerable position. After all, as I’ve mentioned in a previous post – not all hearts are created the same. And indeed, in order to protect and guard myself, I’ve tried to hold back somewhat. However that backfired greatly so maybe that is not the way to go about this.

And also if I’m being honest – it’s not in my nature to hold back. You could say my heart is too big (thanks for passing that on to me mum(!)) in that when I give – I give fully and don’t hold back. And when I say ‘give’ I don’t mean material things, rather feelings and emotions and love in any relationship I have with anyone. I don’t necessary expect the same in return, because at the end of the day everyone has a different nature, but I just hope it is appreciated? Maybe.

As usual this was probably a rambley mess (pretty sure I ended my last post with this same line. Whoops) but let me know what you think? Do I ever make sense in what I write though really? To be honest I just enjoy writing. I should probably start writing about current affairs since I’ve been saying I will for ages.

Peace & Love

T x

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Sabr & Shukr

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First and foremost – This post is a reminder to myself first before anyone else.

Secondly – I apologise for the fact I haven’t written a post in about 4/5 months – life kind of just happened I guess. What I will say however is that I did try to get something up in this time inbetween – I currently have 4 half written posts sitting in my drafts. All on various different topics which for some reason I just haven’t found the words to finish as yet. Maybe one day they will get published, keep an eye out.

Sabr & Shukr. 

Non-Muslim/non-Arabic speaking people reading my blog will probably be asking what these two words mean.

Patience & Gratitude/Gratefulness.

I’ll be honest – these 2 things are things which we are severely lacking in society nowadays. And please remember I speak of myself here before anyone else, so don’t take it the wrong way. But it is true. We live in such a fast paced world things are constantly changing and developing as we blink I think we forget sometimes where it comes from/who its given by. God.

Continue reading

That small wiggly thing attached to you intestine…

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“When I was little, I always wanted to spend a few nights in hospital. Not for anything deathly serious, something minor. Just the thought of getting lots of visitors bringing flowers and chocolates and ‘Get Well Soon’ cards so exciting and you would feel so special!”

Personally, I have never had this thought, but recently I have come across a few people making comments like this, and honestly – I wish staying in hospital felt special and was exciting! Let me start from the beginning…

Now I will be the first to admit sometimes I can be a bit melodramatic when I am ill. Everyone gets the odd cold and cough once in a while, however for some reason when I fall ill I never want to get better quickly, and I’ll be sure to have that darn cough for at least 2 weeks ๐Ÿ˜’

But getting back to the point on this post – this all started on a normal Tuesday. I went to my day job as per usual, (oh – I got a new job btw! Forgot to update the blog on that – sorry!) came home and did the usual things – wash up, eat dinner, have a cuppa tea. Afterwards I got ready to go to my night job (working two jobs is no joke btw, I rate anyone that does it) and everything was going fine.

Fast forward  to about 9pm and after I short trip to the rest room (pfft what do I even sound like right now? Rest room.) I returned to the shop floor with sharp pains in my lower right abdomen, just under my stomach. One of my work colleagues saw me clutching my right side and asked what was wrong, and I said that for some reason it was hurting but I didn’t know why. When he noticed it was my right side, he suggested that it could be my appendix. Now at this point my initial thought was ‘pfft. As if it’s my appendix, its just my bladder or something’ (Coz that’s where your bladder is right Tania? Idiot.) Anyway, I mentioned to my manager that I was in pain. His response? “Take an ibuprofen and see how you feel. Let me cash up, and we’ll reassess the situation.” So I took an ibuprofen, phoned my mum (she said if I was in pain to just come home) and weighted up whether I should go home or not.

Another colleague of mine who has had his appendix removed also told me that I should be going to a&e as soon as possible as it really looked like that’s what it was that was the cause of the pain. After pondering on what to do what do for a further 40ish minutes I finally decided to go home. I got home just after 11, but I was still unsure whether this situation I was in, was severe enough that I should go to a&e for it. But after some deliberation my mum convinced me to just go. So shortly before midnight, mum and I get to a&e and the lady at the desk tells me to take a seat ON THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE METAL SEATS IN EXISTENCE.

Fast forward 3 and a half hours, a urine & blood test each, and 2 doctors analysing and poking my stomach later; I am told that I need to have ultrasound done on my abdomen, but that the ultrasound people don’t come in until 9am, so I would have to stay the night. Panic ensues. (Not really, but you know what I mean.)

Now in my 23 years of existence, I have never had to stay one night in hospital. Let alone 3 (yeah. I had to stay 3 nights.) So at roughly 4am I am attached to a saline drip and wheeled in a wheelchair to the acute care ward. Yeah. My mum left me at roughly 4:30am, and seriously think I didn’t sleep a wink that night. I think it was the combination being somewhere unknown and the crazy noises I could hear, plus the fact that I am a relatively light sleeper anyway.

I’m going to fast forward a bit now as I am weary on how long this post is getting (whoops! I talk – a lot. And I guess it comes out in my writing. I feel sorry for my family and friends, as I’m sure I’ve talked their ears off recently. Oh well.)

So the next day I went for my scan, starved most of the day (I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink as my stomach needed to be completely empty for the clearest possible picture in the ultrasound) and my sister in-law brought me the tastiest pasty I’ve ever eaten from Greggs ever. (I think that was down to the fact that I hadn’t eaten since 6pm the day before but we’ll roll with it.) I was moved to another ward (The ward they take people getting ready for surgery I later found out) and even though the signs said only 2 visitors per bed at a time – I had 6. The nurses never complained though which I really appreciated. My big bro brought some sort of a burger and chips party to my hospital bed which I was extremely grateful for, as if you know me in real life, you know I am a picky eater.

Thursday morning I was awoken to the news I would be going for surgery to have my appendix removed. When my consultant told me the news I wish I could’ve seen what mt face was like, as she responded to my face to say ‘You look terrified.’ And I was! I have never before gone under general anaesthetic, and I like to think the idea of doctors cutting your stomach up (keyhole or otherwise) would scare anyone!

I won’t get into what happened when I was in the recovery room after the surgery, as;

  1. I had just come around from being under general anaesthetic – so who knows what was real and what was happening in my dream?!
  2. I also had alot of morphine pumped into me (side note – why did no one tell me how tasty morphine is?! ((not addicted don’t worry))) so I doubt anything I was saying during that time made any sense at all. – I’ve asked my family what I was saying but they’re keeping quiet, I think to save me the embarrassment.

As my surgery took place in the afternoon I had to stay another night in hospital. (If it was in the morning I might’ve been sent home the very same day.) But come Friday I was in the clear and ready to go home! I cannot even explain to you how happy I was to come home!

Getting back the ‘quote’ at the top of this post – what I would say is that until you’ve actually had to stay in hospital for whatever reason, you don’t realise what it is actually likestaying in hospital. And much as I appreciate all my visitors, from my darling mother who was with me at every opportunity, to my mate who came and saw me at 1am in the outpatient waiting area just because I said I couldn’t sleep (really appreciated that so much dude! Though I doubt you even read my blog! Aha) – I would much rather have just been at home! And there’s also the fact that you’re not allowed to have flowers in hospital no more! I’m assuming it’s because of allergies, and I’m just happy my family managed to take the ones my best friend brought me (thanks Fatty) home before the nurses saw and threw them out! (Still going strong over a week later btw.)

Saying that, I am extremely grateful for everyone and anyone I came across during my short stay in hospital. All the nurses and consultants who treated me were so so lovely and I although I was itching to go home, I knew I was in good hands. Our NHS truly is a treasure, and after witnessing first hand the brilliant work they do, it just makes me fear for its future even more.

I’m going to leave it there before I get too political up in here (I’ll leave that for a future post I think) as after a week of rest I am returning to my day job from tomorrow. (The doctors have said I am not allowed to do any heavy lifting for 6 weeks, so unfortunately the night job will have to wait.)

And again, I just wanted to say thank you so so much to everyone who came to see me or messaged me to wish me good luck and a quick recovery. I truly appreciate it so so much. The funny thing would be the messages I didn’t receive. But that’s okay, just makes me appreciate the ones I did more, I guess.

On that note I shall leave you all, if you have any questions regarding appendicitis, the surgery etc, feel free to leave it in a comment below and I’ll be sure to get back to you. Has anyone else had there appendix removed? I kinda miss it for some weird reason I am not going to lie… Although I probably shouldn’t, it did try to kill me after all… 

Not all hearts are created the same.

Hey there,

Lets not focus on the fact that I’m posting again barely 2 days after my last post (technically 3 days as it’s currently 2:26am but lets not dwell on that) coz if I do I may just psych myself up to post regularly and I’ll just crash and burn in failure.ย ๐Ÿ˜‚

Anyway, today I wanted to touch on something I mentioned in passing in my come back blog post. And it is about the human self being inherently selfish and the self being number one priority. If you know me in real life you will have heard me mention this before but one thing I most definitely got from my mother was the size of her heart. I care about the people in my life – alot. So much so that in turn I’m left hurt by their actions sometimes. Why I hear you ask? Because they do things I myself could never imagine myself doing to them. And the killer is the fact that in most instances they don’t even realise how much their actions have hurt me.

Reading that paragraph back I wonder on what the person reading this is thinking? Maybe that I’m just an over sensitive person who should man up and grow a back bone? And if I’m so butt hurt by peoples actions than maybe I should confront them about it? Trust me I’ve asked myself the same question many times over and maybe I should. But its not that easy and I hate confrontation lol. Ridiculous I know.

I guess I should be used to it. Fact is: Not all hearts are created the same. Things I could never even contemplate doing to another person, others do without a second thought. And it’s just the way life is I suppose, as the way how I will always consider other peoples reactions to my actions – same as my mum – others don’t do the same. Maybe it’s because I just don’t mean as much to them as they do to me, or maybe they would do the same to anyone else in their life, who knows. One thing I do know is that I’m fed up of feeling like this over it and people. So how do I get over it? Maybe confrontation is the way forward – but if I’m honest I don’t see that happening anytime soon, whether that be with past situations or future. Or maybe I should build a thicker skin and just accept the fact that people don’t think about their actions and its affects on people the way I do.

What I’ve come to realise however is that the way to move on from this is to just accept it as is; not all hearts are created the same. And so when people do things that hurt – believe it was not done with the intention to hurt and move on. Forgive them for the hurt they caused, without ever saying they did it in the first place. Why not tell them I hear you ask? Well partially it is because I hate making people feel bad about their actions, esp if they didn’t do it with the intention to hurt. But another reason is because if the action was done with the intention to hurt – there is nothing worse than empowering that person with the knowledge of letting them know they got to you.

Maybe I’m going about this the wrong way, who knows. Let me know what you think in the comments below?

Back Again

Hi, Hello, Is anyone out there?

This time around I’m going to do things differently. I’m not going to do the whole spiel of where I’ve been, why didn’t I blog when I said I would blah blah, because if I’m honest I don’t think anyone is even reading this page anymore. So right now I am just writing for me. Which in a way, is kind of the reason I started this blog in the first place. A reflection of my thoughts on things, without getting too personal and deep.

If I’m honest I think that was part of the reason I didn’t carry on blogging, for fear people who know me personally would read too much into what I wrote and make assumptions about my life. But recently I’ve come to understand I have this one annoying thing about myself which is that I care too much about people. Care too much about keeping people happy, caring about what they think of the things I do, the choices I make etc. And for too long I’ve allowed people and their opinions to dictate what I do with my life.

For too long now I’ve allowed people to be the reason behind my happiness. And only recently I’ve come to the conclusion that that is completely the wrong way to look at things and indeed life in general. Because the human self is an inherently selfish being. There’s no 2 ways about it, it’s a fact whether you like to hear it or not. Yes of course some people are more selfish that others, but at the end of the day the self is number one priority. I guess that’s where I’ve failed at life because I’ve always put peoples happiness above my own, and indeed relied upon people for me to be happy. Which is such a stupid thing to do I know now. Because at the end you need to be happy with yourself by yourself, without the need for people to be happy.

It’s actually kind of crazy how much things can change in a few short months. At the beginning of summer I thought I’d graduate, find myself a new job and continue about my mundane life as usual. I guess its true when they say you can’t predict the future right? People have left my life in ways I never imagined possible and others have come into it without me even realising what happened. In all honesty I’m a bit confused and lost as to the direction of my life right now, but that’s okay! Priority is self. Just got to keep that at the forefront of my mind and I should be okay?

I don’t know if any of this has made much sense and I doubt anyone is reading this anyway – but if you did and actually got this far please let me know your thoughts in the comment section below. What do you think? Is the human self an inherently selfish being?

2015

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Yayyyy Happy New Year everyone!! *Inserts pansy quote about how this year is going to be the best year of my life blah blah*

If you couldn’t tell, I’m not the biggest fan of new years. Like yay, another year has past and a new one is beginning, but really what’s the big deal? I mean yeah the fireworks are pretty good (although if I am honest this years fireworks weren’t on par with last years) although we didn’t go this year since Boris decided he wanted to cash in on the event. But anyway, apart from that, there’s not much else going on with it to be honest. Apart from all the holiday films on tv of course!

I suppose one thing that bugs me about the whole ‘New Year’ thing is the whole idea of ‘new year, new me’ and new years resolutions. Why does the date changing from 31st December to 1st January spark such a flame in people that they want to change all these different things in themselves? Like anyone could wake up on the 26th February and decide to start learning mandarin as a new ‘resolution’. But no one would see it as a resolution since it wasn’t made at the beginning of the year. Why is the importance and weight of a goal so dependant on the date at which it was decided to be done? I have mentioned this in previous posts, but I feel that unnecessary focus on reasons behind a target (or resolution in this case) is what makes us more likely to fail at them, or not complete them. Continue reading

A day through tweets

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So yesterday was pretty intense. And given that I tweeted throughout the day, I thought it would be interesting/fun to recount my day by expanding on my tweets!

If you know me personally then you’d know that I love to bake! However this semester my mother banned me from the kitchen and said I needed to study more and not waste time baking. But now that I’m on holidays she can’t stop me! Now although I love baking and like to believe I’m a good baker – I’ve never baked bread before (before yesterday that is). I’ve been meaning to try for ages, and yesterday was the day I attempted it!

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I was so excited to bake bread and I had all my ingredients ready – I even had my mum buy me some strong bread flour when she was out doing the weekly shop. However, soon enough disaster struck! Continue reading

It’s okay if you don’t like someone

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When I was little I always wanted everyone to like me in school. It didn’t matter if we were necessarily friends and ate lunch on the same table or not, I just wanted people to like me. And of course that wasn’t always the case.

I actually remember this one time two girls in primary school made me cry because they said they didn’t like me. No reason, just that they didn’t like me. Imagine crying just because two people don’t like you?! Ha, I was such a wuss growing up.

You’ll be pleased to know I have since grown up and grown a thicker skin when it comes to people liking me or not. But anyway, getting back to the point of this post. There is one girl on my course at uni, who doesn’t like me. Don’t ask me why, I don’t think I’ve even spoken to her by choice before, unless its been in group settings. The vibe she gives off is that she doesn’t like me. No reason whatsoever. And you know what? I don’t like her either. I think I actually came to this conclusion just before I began my last final of this semester. Continue reading

A new beginning

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Hello! Long time no see!

Aha, I doubt anyone is still around to read my blog any more, but hey ho. I guess I shouldn’t expect anything less, seeing as though I haven’t posted anything up here in over a year! Even though I said I would.

I suppose a reason I didn’t continue posting here after Ramadan was because I just didn’t know what to post/ what I wanted to post. I think the fact that my first foray into blogging was something so specific as writing about Ramadan hindered me a bit. All throughout Ramadan I was posting updates about how my day had gone, what I’d learnt and such. I feel as though I had a focus and of what I wanted to say and achieve with my posts, which made it easy. But after Ramadan left us that focus left, the routine of fasting was gone and the blogging ended.

That’s not to say I didn’t have moments of inspiration which made me think ‘I should write about this and post it on my blog!’. I did, it’s just when it came to putting pen to paper (or in this case fingers to keyboard) it just didn’t go anywhere. Continue reading

Ramadan Rambles: Eid Day! :D

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ุงู„ุณูŽู‘ู„ุงูŽู…ู ุนูŽู„ูŽูŠู’ูƒูู…ู’ ูˆูŽุฑูŽุญู’ู…ูŽุฉู ุงู„ู„ู‡ู ูˆูŽ ุจูŽุฑูŽูƒูŽุงุชูู‡ูู

EID MUBARAK Everyone! ๐Ÿ˜€

Sorry this post is going to be short and sweet, I just wanted to wish all my readers a blessed Eid. May Alllah (SWT) accept our efforts of this blessed month, and may he pardon us and save us from the Hellfire. And may he grant us victory soon.

Make the most of today (although the day is almost over in London town! :P) enjoy, spend it with your family and eat loads of samosas! After all, we all know Eid is meant for putting all on all the weight we supposedly ‘lost’ during Ramadan ๐Ÿ˜›

So what do you guys eat on Eid day?

My inner freshy absolutely LOVES this nasheed, so I think you should all be exposed (this is not the word I want to use, but right now I can’t think of the right word) to it too:

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All of that up there was written on Eid day (Thursday 8th August) but obviously, I failed to finish it and post it up ๐Ÿ˜› The last couple of days have been pretty hectic with familiy commitments, and the such. I actually just came back from a wedding! The first of SIX that I will be attending – all in the month of August! :O I guess you could say August is wedding season? ๐Ÿ˜›

Just wanted to let everyone reading that even though Ramadan is over, I’m not going to stop blogging, I will continue to. I’m not sure what I’m going to blog about yet, just be sure that it will be very rambly ๐Ÿ˜› I said I would do a post on my trip to South Africa, and I may do some posts on different things I bake, so look out for those ๐Ÿ™‚

Until next time InSha’Allah,

Tania’x